miscondomications: condoms vs contacts vs condoms vs jerry seinfield vs condoms

I've been trying to remember this certain miscommunication I had once, because the idea of it seems to have been popping up everywhere lately...

I was once in a somewhat precarious situation or position with another person whom I knew at that point but had not known for very long...our relationship was in what some might call a "delicate" stage, although (no worries) if such a stage existed it was very soon about to be obliterated...anyways,

I did not know this yet. And within this delicate position I was rubbing my eye. And I turned to this person as they asked me what was bothering me and I said to this person, casually, "Oh, its just the contacts in my eye."

No big deal, right?

Only this person heard "OH, its just this CONDOM'S in my eye!" ...casually.

I, of course did not mis-hear myself, as I try for the most part to not listen to myself. But this persons bewilderment at my contact situation bewildered me as to this persons bewilderment situation until we were both so bewildered at one another (me rubbing my eye and squinting), (this person waiting for a condom to fall out of my cornea) that we were forced into re-hashing the condom/contact confusion, and thus the truth flopped out, like an awkward baby giraffe being born! *


Ok, so number 2 on the list of condom stories...think of the last time you found yourself extremely drunk before 6 pm.

It is a nice day out, you're in Brooklyn, you have not stopped laughing about your friend's new career as a Coat-Checker since 1:00 pm this afternoon when you traded in your leftover-from-lastnight drunkness for a headstart on your todays-a-new-day-why-its-saturday! drunkness...

This is the initial situation. Now, fast forward to maybe 8:00 pm, which is the time you and your group of drunk friends need to leave the bar you've been camping at because of a lot of things but mostly because you are very collectively and individually hammered and its only 8:00. You enter a bodega, wherein you only have a card and decide to purchase a four loko in order to hurdle the $5 minimum, meanwhile beside you Kelsey Chapman starts going off about condoms to the cashier(ist?)...

"We don't need ANY condoms!!!!!!"

"EXCUSE ME, we don't NEED any CONdoms!!"

"NO CONDOMS!!!"

"SIR, We do NOT need the CONDOMS!!!!"

"NO CONDOMS!!! NO CONDOMS, please SIR!!"

"NO CONDOMS FOR US!!!"

"ABSOLUTELY NO CONDOMS!!!!!"

Luckily, no one was really trying to sell us condoms, or else you can imagine...


So now the third condom story, which isn't really a story (but this is a heck of a lot of thoughts about condoms, in a small span of time, don't you think?). I got Jerry Seinfield's book "Seinlanguage" from the South Boston Public Library the other week...I've seen it there before but I was sort of like ehh...I don't know why. I love Jerry. I love Seinfield. I read an assortment of much less promising books. Whatever, I got it. And Jerry has something to say about condoms, too. And his sentiments seem to relate to Kelsey's stripped-down condom philosophy (as seen above) if you ask me.**

   "Which brings us to the condom. There's nothing wrong with the condom itself. The problem with the condom is still buying them. I think we should have like a secret signal with the druggist. You just walk into the drugstore, you go up to the counter, he looks at you and if you nod slowly, he puts them in the bag for you. Thats it.
     You show up there, you put your little shaving cream, your little toothpaste on the counter.
     "How are you today?" (You nod.)
     "Not bad. Yourself?" (He puts them in.)
     "Oh, pretty good."
      And you've got them. "

-Jerry Seinfeld





* shout out to chloe!! shout out to bethhh!!
** i know i was not asked.