Are You.... My Mother?

This is a story about a woman who I believe to be my mother.


For many years I assumed that she was an imposter assuming the role of my mother in order to keep me from any sleeping-over situations that might unveil to me her true identity.



Her name is Janet Jarva, although I prefer to call her Janette with a french accent or Banana with an american one, and always pretend to remember her middle name as Marie instead of Mary, a trick I have been consistent enough in doing over the past 8 years or so- to the point that she is now convinced that I do not know her middle name, and upon hearing Janette Marie, delivers an enthralling reaction of nearly non-skeptical outrage & exasperation.

But this is not the point.
As many mothers are wont to do when given an e-mail adress and told "this s the internet!", my mother has become an avid chain mail sender. she enjoys sending me chain mail on the daily, usually involving animals, often pixilated images of animals pretending to lick the chain mail recipients computer screen. because this is very fun and amusing, as many mothers, i am sure, will inform you. Another favorited mother e-mail is the urgent informing of any rape, robbery, or sidewalk slipping hazard that has happened to occur anywhere from your current neghborhood to your current neighboring states. When sending chainmail, my mother often forwards recklessly, in a way that often leaves the actual puppy-licking link out of the e-mail entirely. Often the e-mail consists of only someone I've never mets contact information and a lot of blank space. My mother does not always have time to personalize her chain e-mailing, she is a very busy woman.

In contrast with my mother's emailing preferences, I enjoy sending my mother e-mails when she will not return my calls, or if I anticipate that I will later need documented evidence on my side to prove that I did indeed tell her what I told her, and not what she heard on the television/ from the dog while I was on the phone/she was reading my 'important' email.

Earlier this week I recieved an e-mail from my mother entitled 'skatin babies'. This is what it looked like:

FW: Skatin Babies
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Why is this spam/nonspam?Janet JarvaFrom: Visscher, Roseann A [mailto:roseann.a.visscher@lmco.com] Sent: Friday, ...
Jul 12 (5 days ago)

Janet JarvaLoading...Jul 12 (5 days ago)

Reply |Janet Jarva to Andrew
show details Jul 12 (5 days ago) Reply





From: Visscher, Roseann A [mailto:roseann.a.visscher@lmco.com]
Sent: Friday, July 10, 2009 12:56 PM
To: bk turner; Beverly Stanley; Janet Jarva; W V; Dylan Whitehead; ewhitehead79@yahool.com
Subject: FW: Skatin Babies



Thank you

Roseann Visscher
Lockheed Martin
Acctg. Assoc. Sr. Specialist
Community Relations Chair
(863) 647-0294



From: Thompson, Crystal
Sent: Friday, July 10, 2009 8:33 AM
To: Moffett, Judy; Beckwith, Cindy; Meeks, Sandra K; Applewhite, Melissa A; Visscher, Roseann A; PJ Esposito; Nieves, Richard; suzymarie56@tampabay.rr.com; Papa
Subject: FW: Skatin Babies

Click here.


This was my response:


did you talk to dad? you havent called me back. did you get mail from me either?"


To which she replied:

I am thinking a one way ticket and leave it open to when you go back. I did text you a message. If you can call Dad on office or cell he has already gone to

The gym. We are going to a graduation party for Marilee’s son Michael!! She asked about you was hoping you would be around, but she is stuck with me and Dad.

We are going to Maine tomorrow for the weekend. Your Dad wanted to go to Maine and I got a few days off after working those crazy hours so we will go

For a short visit.


Call! Love you…looking forward to seeing you! Remember to charge your phone!

XOX, Mom

PS…Did you like the skatin babies


Crystal Thompson Acct Assoc. Sr. Specialist
Lockheed Martin Enterprise Business Services
Account Associate Sr Specialist
EBS3 Project Team
863-647-0314

From: Wiese, Ronald A
Sent: Friday, July 10, 2009 8:23 AM
To: Busino, Connie; Bays, Debbie; Granger, Michelle L; Phillips, Gary; Thompson, Crystal
Subject: Skatin Babies


Click here.


*note the placement and capitalization of The Gym and For a short visit. It remains somewhat of a mystery to me how my mother operates a keyboard, I have rarely caught sight of her typing in the wild.
*the key line in this email, however, is the p.s.-- note the re-emphasized interest in 'skatin babies'


This was my ending response:

the skatin babies were fucking creepy, mom....i am worried about you and your influences.


To justify my last statement and further open up for investigation the origins of my mother, I give you..

SKATIN BABIES